When "Feeling in Control" Isn't Peace

In counselling I often meet people who say, “I just want to feel in control again. "It’s an understandable desire — especially when life feels unpredictable, relationships feel shaky, or past experiences have left us on high alert. But there’s a subtle challenge hidden in that longing: “Feeling in control” and “experiencing peace” are not the same thing. And in the Christian story, peace comes from a very different place than control.

Control Feels Like Peace… Until It Doesn’t

When life is overwhelming, our nervous system often grasps for stability. Control feels like safety because:

• It predicts outcomes

• It reduces uncertainty

• It gives us the illusion that we can prevent pain

• It temporarily calms anxiety

From a neuroscience perspective, the brain loves predictability. When life feels chaotic, the brain will do anything to make things feel certain — even if it means tightening our grip on people, outcomes, emotions, or routines.

But here’s the truth:

Control calms the nervous system temporarily, but it rarely leads to inner peace.

Eventually, it becomes exhausting:

• Hypervigilance

• Perfectionism

• Overthinking

• People-pleasing

• Avoidance

• Tension in the body

• Exhaustion from “holding everything together”

  
  

Control can soothe you for a moment — but it cannot sustain you.

The Bible describes peace with the word shalom — a word rich with meaning:

Shalom is wholeness, harmony, rightness, rest, and flourishing.

It’s not the absence of chaos — it’s the presence of God within chaos.

Jesus said:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives.” — John 14:27

The world offers peace through control, certainty, and self-effort. Jesus offers a peace that remains even when life feels uncertain.

Paul writes:

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:7

This peace doesn’t come from controlling circumstances —it comes from relationship, presence, and trust.

Biblical peace is not achieved; it is received.

For those who have experienced trauma, this can feel complicated.

Trauma teaches the nervous system:

• “The world is unsafe.”

• “I must stay in control to stay protected.”

  
  

So control becomes a coping strategy — not a flaw.

In counselling, we honour that.

Biblical peace doesn’t ask us to ignore trauma or “just trust more". Instead, it invites a gentle process of learning safety again:

• in the body

• in relationships

• in community

• and ultimately, in God

  
  

As the nervous system slowly heals, the need for constant control softens —making space for a deeper, more grounded peace.

So you might be wondering, how do I begin moving from control to peace?

Here are a few gentle, practical ways to begin:

1. Notice where control is showing up

Ask yourself:

• “Where am I tightening my grip?”

• “What am I afraid will happen if I loosen control?”

• “What part of me is trying to feel safe?”

Awareness is the first step to transformation.

2. Breathe with God

A simple breath prayer:

Inhale: “You are with me.” Exhale: “I release my fear.”

Slow breathing signals the brain: We are safe. This opens the door for peace.

3. Anchor in Scripture

Choose one verse to meditate on this week:

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” — Exodus 14:14

Let it settle into your body, not just your mind.

4. Allow peace to be a process

Peace is not a spiritual performance. It’s a slow rewiring of the heart and nervous system as you experience safety with God.

Healing happens gradually — and that’s okay.

5. Seek support where needed

Counselling can help untangle the places where trauma, fear, and past experiences have made control feel necessary for survival.

God often uses healing relationships to restore shalom.

One of the most beautiful truths of Scripture is that peace isn’t found in perfect circumstances or perfect control. Peace is found in Christ — the One who is near, gentle, steady, and present. When control stops working, that’s not failure — that’s an invitation to step into a deeper kind of rest. A peace that doesn’t depend on you. A peace that won’t collapse when life shifts. A peace that holds you — even when you cannot hold yourself.

Would you like to experience genuine peace with the support of one of our compassionate Christian Counsellors? Please get to know our wonderful team and complete a booking enquiry.

Meet the author Nada Appleby

Hi, I'm Nada. I love working with individuals across the life span helping them to safely explore their inner worlds so as to connect with God more fully and get to know the gifts and strengths he has given them in service to others. I try to bring into every session a glimpse of the compassion, love and acceptance that God has so freely given me. Visit Nada's page to learn more.